Shrieking Shack
by GreenEyedMonsterGirl
Summary: When Severus Snape set out to learn the secrets of James and co, he hardly counted on what he found. No wonder Sirius was tempted to murder him. Multiple confusing pairings, mild slash.


**Title: **Shrieking Shack  
**Disclaimer: **Dear God, save the soul of JK Rowling if this ever were to happen. (As it is, we may be too far gone to save.)  
**Rating:** R ( M ) – for adult themes, alternative lifestyles, and "the quiet one." (It's _always _the quiet one.)

**Summary:** When Severus Snape set out to learn the secrets of James and co, he hardly counted on what he found. No wonder Sirius was tempted to murder him. Multiple confusing pairings, mild slash

**! WARNING :** Not intended for pregnant women, people with heart conditions, nervous disorders, weak bladders and/or those without sense of humor. May cause side effects such as abdominal cramping, watery eyes, dry mouth, loss of bladder control, and mild to severe rash.

* * *

"No, Jim. Not again," Sirius flatly refused, pushing James' hand away. 

"Hey, watch it!" James snapped, steadying the full chalice that his best friend had just refused. The glutenous liquid bubbled but was otherwise undisturbed by the rough handling. "It took me forever to brew this shit, man!"

Sirius snarled and bared his sharp, yellowed canines. "That's not my problem, mate. I'm _not_ doing it again, I told you last time."

James rolled his dark eyes toward his messy hairline. "Yeah, and the time before that, and the time before that..."

"I'm _not_ doing it again!" Sirius barked, slamming a fist into the moldy mattress. A cloud of dust rose from the bed spread and engulfed his arm.

The Shrieking Shack became unusually silent as the two school chums squared off in a battle of wills. Even the old, rotting wood seemed to respect the tension in the room and refrained from groaning and squeaking under the weight of the two adolescent boys.

"You agreed to do this up front, Sirius," James rubbed the bridge of his nose beneath his glasses impatiently. "I'm even giving you five galleons I promised."

"My price went up," Sirius drawled smoothly, dripping with the Old Black Charisma. "Besides, you didn't pay up last time."

"That's because I didn't get what I paid for."

"You got more than enough."

"It wasn't _that_ good, mate."

Another pause in conversation followed as Sirius bristled. James grinned at his best friend and held up the goblet, giving the gelatinous liquid within a suggestive jiggle. "If you do it better this time, I'll pay double."

It was only out of necessity and a burning desire to prove himself that Sirius finally caved. "Fine...but I'm not putting that ridiculous kitty costume on again. It itches."

James, triumphant, held out the goblet to his reluctant friend. "You won't be wearing it for long."

"That's a horrifying thought, Jim."

"Cummon, I'm in the mood for a little pussy tonight," James waggled his eyebrows at his normally canine friend. Sirius barked a laugh before throwing back the goblet, ingesting the horrid concoction in three large gulps.

The last drops were wasted as the goblet clattered to the floor, spewing the red-orange potion across the dusty floorboards. Sirius doubled over, clutching his abdomen, and retched on his screams of pain. His nerves were ablaze with white-hot pain, prickling up and down his flesh as his skin bubbled and popped intermittently.

Sirius – who had vowed never to scream for such shame – couldn't hold back the roar of agony as his bones began to creak and split themselves apart. The bones splintered as they shortened and then, with another spasm of melting pain, fused back together. His hunched shoulders drew closer together as a length of auburn hair fell between them, externalizing the fire that fought to consume him from inside out.

James leaned casually against the wall as Sirius' throaty growls and yelps of agony ebbed away under a new, higher pitch. "You can stop that now," he smirked as the girlish screams melted into whimpers.

"P-piss off!"

James covered his heart with his hand, a dramatic hand held faintly to his forehead. "Why, Lillykins! I'm _wounded_!"

Lilly Evans, crouched and panting on the splintered floor of the Shrieking Shack, glared at James Potter with utter loathing burning in her bottle green eyes. "Oh, you're _going_ to be wounded, alright!" she hissed, shakily rising to her feet. She stumbled and was caught by James, who wasted no time in capturing her lips in a kiss that seared with more heat than her burning transformation.

"Mmm...," James savored, lapping gently at her bleeding lip. "That's more like it."

Lilly wrinkled her freckled nose in disgust. "God, James, you're sick."

"Yeah, but you like it," he shrugged. "And I aim to please."

Lilly, for want of more stable footing, clung to James for support. "I can't believe I'm doing this," Lilly growled in a very canine fashion. "Again."

"Ah, but what are best friends for, Sirius, old mate?" James beamed, rubbing his nose against the Lilly-look-alike's counterpart.

Sirius struggled to pull away, but failed in his weakened body. God, Evans could have stood to work out a bit more. How could she stand being this pathetic?

James, noting his best mate's anxiety, swept his arm beneath his legs and lifted him off the floor. He approached the bed, holding Sirius like a bride. "Let's get down to it, shall we?"

Sirius propped his chin against James' shoulder, defiantly looking away from his best friend. "Hmph!"

"Not to worry, love. I'll be gentle," the Gryffindor Quidditch star winked at his unwilling girlfriend substitute. "Unless you don't want me to."

"What I want is a more descent way to earn money," grumped Sirius, leaning against the headboard with his arms folded beneath his newly budded chest.

"Hey, you weren't complaining last time when I used my antlers to – "

"JIM!"

"Yeah, that's what you said," James rubbed his chin thoughtfully, waggling his eyebrows at his unwilling partner. "Erm...yelled, that is," he amended.

"I knew there was a reason we called you 'Prongs.'"

There was no more speaking as James leaned in to steal another kiss from his substitute girlfriend, their time with the transformation short as it was. His lean body was propped over Sirius as he ravaged his best mate's borrowed form, hands touching and groping inappropriately as a new sort of tension built. Against his will, pride and sanity, Sirius leaned into James in return, clutching at the sinewy arms that held the spectacled boy aloft on the bed.

The antique furniture creaked and groaned as the occupants began to move more freely, hands and mouths wandering from places that were appropriate, inhibitions long since forgotten in the heat of the encounter. A set of black robes lay crumpled at the foot of the bed, a pair of no longer needed glasses atop the discarded heap.

As a second set of robes descended to the floor, footsteps in the hall caused one out of the pair to pause.

_Creak, creak. Creak, creak._

"James," Sirius panted, crouched over his friend on all fours with one leg extended over James' shoulder. His (or her, rather) chest was bare and heaving from exertion, glistening in the dim luminescence from a light sheen of sweat. "I heard something."

James pulled his face back slightly from the crook in Sirius' neck and squinted at him. "What?"

"In the hall...footsteps."

_Creak, creak. Creak, creak._

The even rhythm grew louder as the footsteps approached.

_Creak, creak. Creak, Creak._

_Clink, clink, clink._

Sirius and James exchanged strained looks as the foreign noise could no longer be dismissed as the settling of an old house. Someone was in the hallway, just outside, and coming toward them.

_Creak, creak. Creak, creak._

_Clink, clink, clink._

_Squeak, squeak. Squeak, squeak._

Another beat added to the pattern. There were_ two_ people outside.

"It's just a little farther, up ahead," a soft, placating voice assured the person who owned the second set of footsteps.

He was just outside.

"Remus?" Sirius whispered, exchanging another look with James to confirm. James gulped, his Adams apple bulging. It was, in fact, Remus Lupin. Sirius looked back to the door, a wry smile of his own design curling onto Lilly Evans' usually sweet features. "I never thought I would be glad to be borrowing this form," he said, confident in his flawless disguise.

"Mm-_hmm_," James squeezed.

_Clink, clink, clink._

_Squeak, squeak. Squeak, squeak._

"In here?" Another, eerily familiar voice rumbled. It vibrated on the air like the guttural growl of a beast.

_Clink, clink, clink._

"Yes," Remus agreed mildly.

The doorknob began to rattle and then turn.

_Creeeeeeeeeak._

The rusty hinges squealed in disgruntlement as the door was pushed open fully, revealing Remus Lupin just beyond. A heavy chain dangled from the spiked collar around his neck, clinking as the links rubbed together with motion.

"Remus!" James greeted, holding Sirius' leg firmly to his shoulder. "So nice of you to visit our humble little love nest."

Remus blinked, confounded, at the scene within the room. The chain rattled as he shifted. "James...I see you've borrowed my copy of the Kama Sutra."

"Yeah," James admitted easily, stroking Sirius fondly. "I borrowed your potion notes too. Hope you don't mind."

"Ah, not at all...," he never did, really.

Sirius coughed pointedly. "Ah, I'm getting a cramp in my leg, so if you wouldn't mind..."

"Remus," the bolder, deeper voice of his partner interjected. "What's going on?"

The chain clanked loudly as said partner peered over the shorter teens shoulder in order to get a better view of the room. The pain in Sirius' leg was immediately forgotten as recognition dawned.

On the other end of the chain, hooked to another leathered collar, was Sirius Black.

And, boy, did _he_ look surprised!

"J-James!" the male Sirius yelped, stumbling backward away from the room. Remus was pulled along as the tension on their chain reached its limit.

James was sitting up now, groping for his glasses along the floor. "What the hell? Sirius?"

"No," the Lilly-Sirius disagreed, glaring at the tangled couple in the doorway. "Not Sirius. Remus, what the hell is going on?"

Remus Lupin, unlike his two friends within the room, had the decency to look ashamed of himself. "I...ah...you see..."

James had finally managed to retrieve his glasses, still burdened by the Lilly-Sirius on his chest, and now stared in horror at the surreal scene in the hallway.

Mild-mannered, top-of-the-class Remus Lupin. Chained to Sirius Black by a thick band of leather and spikes.

The paradox made James' brain whimper in agony.

"James," the male Sirius panted, tugging fruitlessly at the collar on his neck. "Wh-what are you doing with me – ah, her?"

"Evans?"

"Depends. What's Remus doing with me?" Lilly-Sirius demanded, ignoring his befuddled bed mate's interjection.

Sirius-Lilly glanced between Lilly-Sirius and James, grasping the chain at her throat with both hands. "W-we were...um...this isn't what it looks like."

Lilly-Sirius, beyond irritated now, screeched, "Then what the hell _is_ it? Remus!"

"Now, Sirius, there's no need to get upset – "

"Evans, what are you doing strapped to Moony?"

"Better yet, what am_ I _doing strapped to _Remus_?"

"L-let's not get excited – "

"Oh, trust me, excited is over with," Lilly-Sirius snarled, digging into James' flesh with his borrowed forms elongated fingernails. James winced and looked down to see if his bed partner had drawn blood (under the more...favorable circumstances that had been interrupted, the pronged boy wouldn't have minded, but it was all seeming _way_ too kinky by current standards).

"What are you doing with me – ah, Sirius on top of you, James?"

"Funny story, actually..."

Lilly-Sirius clenched his fists, forcing blood to spill forth from the shallow wounds on his best pal's torso. "This is starting to become not-so-funny anymore, Jim."

_SLAM!_

"Oh, I disagree," an oily voice interrupted, dripping in amusement. "I think this is quite amusing, myself."

After a startled jump, all parties turned to the now open closet door where Severus Snape stood, clutching a squealing rat in his fist. He squeezed the furry rodent tightly as his excitement got the best of his muscle functions.

"Snivellus," Lilly-Sirius snarled.

"Miss Evans," Snape graced the partially nude form with a look. "Oh, excuse me. Such confusion."

Lilly-Sirius withdrew his leg from around his friends neck to better twist in his most hated enemy's direction. "How the hell did you get in here, Snivellus?"

"That sort of language isn't very lady-like," the greasy boy sneered, slumping fully into the room to confront the troupe of identity-confused friends and lovers.

The transformed dog-boy growled, the sound bubbling up from within his temporarily developed chest little-by-little every passing second. The canine pitch was dark and heavy, certainly too masculine for the petite body of Miss Lilly Evans.

"It was simple enough. There were plenty of people to follow over the past several weeks to give me more than enough opportunity to observe your...unusual nighttime activities."

"Weeks?" Sirius-Lilly glared at the couple on the bed. James shrugged and averted his gaze.

"Oh! How sweet this revenge shall be!" Snape clapped his hands in absolute rapture. The rat within his grasp squealed in pain. "Just wait. Once I inform the headmaster of this, your little escapades will be put to a stop! Where will you indulge in your dangerous little games then, eh?"

"You...," Lilly-Sirius ground his teeth together as they began to lengthen. Saliva began to drip down the soft, rounded features of his borrowed form, contorting the beautiful girl into something only half-human. "_Bastard_!" he barked (this time literally).

Remus moved to reach out for his friend and secret love interest, but found himself restrained to the person he had put into Sirius' place. Sirius-Lilly glanced between the two on the bed, the unusual expression of fright twisted into her temporary face as James himself – the cool, charismatic member of their group – descended into a countenance of dread. The only one oblivious to the steady rise in aggression in the disguised Sirius was Snape, the unfortunate source of agitation.

Lilly-Sirius' hair began to curl wildly about her face, shortening slowly into a dark crop of fur. "You...I'll kill you...," he promised.

"Sirius, man, calm down," James grabbed his makeshift girlfriend by the shoulders, but Sirius shook him off.

"Why, I might even get some sort of service medal from the school after you're all expelled. After all, I've worked so hard to prevent any, ah..._unfortunate injuries _to my fell – "

After that, there was a sharp bark, a muted gurgle of blood and saliva, and a wild frenzy of feet and panicked voices.

After a brief flash of blue light, all was silent.

— — —

"I think he's coming to..."

"Shame."

"Hey, this is your fault, you know!"

"If he hadn't been snooping around where he wasn't wanted then none of us would be in this mess! It's all that nosy – and when I say nosy, I mean it literally – bastard's fault!"

"Sirius..."

"Don't even say it, Remus."

A stretch of silence.

"Ah...anyway...," another short pause. "Do you think he'll remember anything?"

"I dunno, Evans...we should probably ask the git."

"Nng...," Severus groaned in his half-sleep and removed his hand from beneath the starched white sheets of his infirmary bed, rubbing away the fuzzy delirium that seemed to take up residence somewhere behind his eyes. Behind his closed lids the world was dark, but consciousness prevented his ears from being totally removed from the world surrounding him. "Wha...Wh-where am...?"

"Shh!" one of the invading voices scolded the others. Soft and deep with just a touch of culture, it sounded like Reumus Lupin. "He's awake!"

"Well spotted, Remus," a harsh voice barked. Ah, Sirius Black.

"Stop it, both of you!" Even Lilly Evans was at his beside? How absurd! The only one missing was...

"Oi, Snivillus," There he was. James Potter, the odious bane of Severus Snape's pathetic existence. The queasy Slytherin cracked a single eye and brought himself fully into the spinning, topsy-turvy world of reality. "You're not dead, are you?"

"Unfortunately, no," Severus countered, sneering at the unnecessarily close face of his bitter rival with contempt.

"Tch," Sirius snickered, drawing Severus' attention to the far corner of the room. "Finally, we agree on something."

The bedridden teenager sent Sirius a look similar to the one he had bestowed upon James. As he turned his head, the other occupants of the room noted a smear of grease across Severus' pillow.

"What the hell are you all doing here?" Severus demanded, leaning back into his pillows again. The quartet scattered about the hospital wing looked to one another with a shared expression of reluctance.

"Ah...," Lilly was the first to speak up, wringing her hands as if addressing an invalid classmate were a horrifying chore. "We wanted to...um...see how you were feeling."

Severus snorted then held his aching ribs. "Ha...," he coughed. She could have come up with a better story than that. "I feel like shit, thanks."

"Good!" came a sharp bark from the peanut gallery.

Lilly shot a warning look at Sirius, who didn't quail for an instant. Remus, the one who usually dealt out guilt and punishment, remained removed from the scene on the opposite side of the room from Sirius. "We're all sorry to hear that," Lilly forced a dilapidated smile and nudged James in the ribs.

"Huh? Oh, right, yeah...sorry."

The auburn-topped Gryffindor ventured onward. "Do you...do you know why you're in here? Can you remember how you got hurt?"

"I...," Severus paused a long moment to think about it. Why _was_ he in the infirmary? Broken ribs...severe head contusion with mild concussion...some sort of open wound on his shoulder...plus a nasty bite on the tongue. Did he fall down the stairs? "I...don't remember," he admitted.

The rest of the room breathed a deep sigh of relief.

"You d-don't r-re-remember anyth-thing?"

With a start, Severus sat up and twisted his body around. Peter Petigrew, the simpering, lazy lump, was stretched out on the bed behind him nursing a couple of bruised ribs. Ah, well, that explained why James and the rest deigned to loiter in his hospital room, at least...

"I just said that, didn't I?" the Slytherin boy growled, fighting to regain control of his heart rate. Stupid Gryffindors...always popping up out of unexpected places!

"Nothing?" Lilly ventured hopefully.

"Nothing! Do you want me to spell it for you?"

James snickered behind his hand, "That's a pretty good pun, Snivillus..."

Another jab in the ribs from his would-be girlfriend silenced the chuckling idiot.

"Shut up, Jim. Snivillus' jokes bite," Sirius laughed from the corner. To him, the concept of something intentionally funny coming out of Severus Snape was the joke.

_Bite...blood and fur...dangerous games...chained Lupin...angry Sirius...moonlight..._

"Wait...I remember," the group of Gryffindor teens held their breath as they all turned to Severus. "You!" he pointed at Remus, who seemed taken aback. "You were there! Chained up! And there was fur...and...and...you're a _werewolf_!"

Another long stretch of awkward silence.

"Uh...yeah, sounds about right. Right, Moony?"

Remus jumped and looked to James, who nodded encouragingly. "Oh...yeah, it's my time of the month, alright. You caught me."

"And – and you!" the stuttering invalid redirected his accusatory finger to Sirius. "You – you were there too! You let that thing attack me!"

"Ahh...," Sirius moaned, leaning easily against the wall. "I guess that means more detention for me, eh?"

"This is astounding! I - I must tell the headmaster!"

"Don't bother, he already knows," James laughed, clapping the excitable Severus on the shoulder. The injured boy yelped and smacked his rivals hand away from his injury.

"Ah, well...," Lilly interjected again, grabbing James by the elbow lest he cause anymore damage to the wounded Slytherin on the bed. "We'll let you be getting back to your rest now. Come on, James."

She dragged him out into the stone corridor behind Sirius and Remus, struggling to keep the wild buck in line. Before the pair could disappear fully from view, however, James leaned back and poked his head through the doorway, "Oh, by the way, Snivillus, old pal," he chirped. "I saved you so...so be grateful, yeah?"

With another sharp yelp and muffled curse, Lilly pulled the strutting Gryffindor seeker completely out of the room, leaving Severus alone to pale to the color of his sheets.

---

"Man, who would have guessed that a stupid git like that would guess the wrong secret?" Sirius barked, doubled over in laughter as the lessened group made their way back to Gryffindor tower.

"Well, considering the...erm, circumstances...," Remus glanced to his canine friend quickly before averting his eyes again. "The conclusion he came to wasn't all that outlandish."

"Sheesh, Moony, do you ever speak in English?"

Remus grinned at the use of his nickname and the friendly arm draped about his shoulders.

"Nah, he just doesn't speak stupid like you, is all," James threw his own arm around Remus and pulled Lilly to his other side, forming a long chain of friendship from the four of them. "I thought the last part was a nice touch, though, what do you think?"

"Yeah, he'll be kicking himself for letting you 'save' him for years, I'll bet!" Sirius agreed, squeezing his lunar-wary friends shoulder congenially. Remus blushed lightly as he was drawn closer into the dog-boy's lean body.

"Well, it's kinda true, ain't it? I mean, if I hadn't hit him with the memory charm then Sirius would have had no choice but to kill him."

"But if you had done the charm correctly then he wouldn't know that Remus is a werewolf," Lilly reminded him.

"Actually, that part is my fault," Remus admitted, flushing a deeper shade of red. "I...I accidentally let him see a note that James had passed to me during potions a few weeks ago so he learned about my...condition then. After that, he started stalking me and, well...now he's in the hospital wing with a fragmented memory. That's probably why he thought it wise to avoid the Shrieking Shack on the nights of the full moon. After this is all over, his memory will probably be so bad that he won't even realize that tonight was only a half-moon..."

Sirius barked, "Serves him right, if you ask me. He shouldn't go sticking his greasy nose where it doesn't belong."

"True enough, I suppose..."

Three of the friends fell asleep that night, praying that they might be as lucky as the memory-modified Severus when they woke up the following morning. James, on the other hand, couldn't wait until the next half moon...he would be practicing his memory charms until then.

* * *

**Authors Note: **If you were confused, "Lilly-Sirius" was Sirius in Lilly-form and "Sirius-Lilly" was Lilly in Sirius-form. 

Where did this come from, you ask? It was a "what if" conversation that got out of hand.

And here it is (think of this as a DVD extra):

**Mary-chan:** "Gee, Sirius...Lilly isn't giving me any lately. D'you think you could...yanno...stand in?"  
(yeah, I see that happening)

**Yayo-kun: **"Sure, Jim. But you own me 10 bucks from last time."

**  
Mary-chan: **"The striptease wasn't THAT good, Sirius."

**Yayo-kun:** "You agreed to the price up front, Jim."

**  
Mary-chan: **"And I didn't get everything I paid for. You promised the bunny costume!"

**Yayo-kun: **"Fine. You get the bunny costume this time for full price and I'll knock off 50 for the last one."

**  
Mary-chan: **"Aww, but I was in the mood for a little pussy tonight..."

**Yayo-kun: **"Goddamn, Jim. Fine, Cat costume, 10 bucks, and five for the last one. But you know I hate the cat costume, it's itchy."

**  
Mary-chan: **"You won't be wearing it long."

**Yayo-kun: **"That's a horrifying thought, Jim. Let's not go into the mechanics of this, it's weird enough already."

**Mary-chan: **"You weren't complaining last weekend when I changed form and used my antlers to -- "

**Yayo-kun: **"JIM!"

**Mary-chan: **"Yeah, that's what you said...erm, yelled."

We have no shame. And we enjoy every minute of our shameless existence.

—

_This fic brought to you by the letters F, U and these sponsors:_

**_() GreenEyedMonsterGirl (),_** WHMYayo, and htmLord (who was just plain grossed out by this)


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